A very special tagging...

Today was okay... I felt itchy all day, a lil anxious, but nothing a powerful flow and brisk walk outside with the Momma (and the babies) didn't ease. I apologize if I have been so negative, recently. I am sorry if this past week was annoying for my readers-- Actually, I'm not. It's somewhat surprising how much one's "audience" depletes, when the mood is down. I guess at the time, I didn't think about it, and I'm sorry IF it turned you off; however, I am not sorry for posting about it. It was a tribute that I definitely needed to put it into words, and for those who lent me their hearts and prayers, I thank you so. It meant the W0RLD to me, and was so therapeutic. I love you girls, so.

Anyways, someone who has been A.MAZING this past week (among so many others, <3 ) is the effervescent Synthia . I was tagged and given an Award, and a very dear one at that

.

This was such an honor. I feel like I've been such a bad blogger, such an UNRELIABLE blogger, and it really makes me feel bad to receive such an award. There are S0 many incredible bloggers out there, I feel like I'm so inadequate and undeserving. But regardless, it feels so comforting to know that there is someone out there that finds my blog worthwhile. THank you so much Synth... It means so much.

In honor of this award, I am to list Seven Things that I Love:

(1) My Parents

I don't even know where to begin. My Dad has always been my protector and my shield, and he is the type of Dad that ALWAYS thinks he can save me. Suffering through Ed was extremely hard on my Father. He shut down and became so concerned and so sad, that he completely lost touch with himself and his pleasures in life. I will always be my Daddy's Girl and I adore him so.

My Momma. What is there N0T to say about her? She is my redeemer, my guardian, my everything. My Mom makes me feel like EVERYTHING will be okay, no matter what it be that frightens my heart. She is the most Beautiful, most Perfect being, in my eyes, and has the most incredible heart of anyone I have ever known. I am so honored to have her as my Mommy and my Best Friend. My mom stuck by my side during Ed, and never ever judged me by my illness. She is my Angel.

I believe, without a doubt in my mind or heart, that I was meant to be My Parent's Child. I am so connected to them, so hopelessly adoring of them both. Ed almost broke my family apart, and my parent's struggled so much within their marriage, because of Ed. I am so thankful for their strength, their love, and their unending support.

(2) My Brother, James

Something else that really suffered with Ed was my relationship with my brother. It was horrible. Before Ed, my relationship with Jimmy was Beautiful. His way of coping was to ostracize and humiliate me. To reject me, in front of others, to make me feel ashamed. I couldn't be around him without being brought to hysterics and it was so hard. Jimmy cried in front of me, telling me he was so scared to lose me. I had never seen him cry before, and it was a wake up call for me. It made me realize that Ed brings out the absolute Worst in EVERY0NE, not just it's active sufferers. We are working towards rebuilding this relationship, and I pray that it will be like it was, before Ed. That someday we can have that Beautiful Bond, once again. All with time...

(3) My Beautiful Grandmother, Grammy

My Maternal Grandmother is someone who has been through S0 much grief, so much heartache, and so much emotional burden that it AMAZES me how positive, hopeful, and loving she still is. She lost my Grandfather to Liver Cancer when he was 60. My Grandfather, Poppy, was an absolute Angel, one whom I have never met in person, but still feel as if I know him. It's very difficult to explain. Anyways, he was the first and only man that my Grammy has ever loved. He saw her at a dance at their country club when she was 16 and walked up to his parents and said, "Do you see that girl? I'm going to marry her, someday." TRUE ST0RY. My Grammy has lost so many of her loved ones and bestest friends to Cancer, and instead of being victimized by her losses, she formed a Support Group for Cancer patients, and their families. She shared with me her passion for Opera, taking me to the MET to see he greatest in the world ever since I can remember. She is an exquisite artist, as well. I just adore her. The most precious thing ever.

4) My Grandfather, Pop

It's so upsetting that I don't actually have a picture of my Pop[sicle] on my Laptop, but I will have you know he is so very special to me. He was raised in a VERY tight shift, and was never shown much love from his father. Going to fight in Vietnam also heightened his tendency to shut out the world, and left him with post traumatic stress. The most difficult thing for him to do? Say the words: I Love You. But her gave me a card for my 18th Birthday that read those words and those words only. I love him so much for that.

5) My Animals

Buddha and Mylo (My Standard Pure Bred Poodle and My Tabby Cat) are my babies. I found Mylo when he was about 4-5 weeks old... Actually HE found US and from the get-go was the sweetest cat I'd ever known. He is so precious and has such a loving personality, he's seriously like a puppy. He is always wanting to snuggle and love <3 . Buddha is the baby in the family. He has been such a light in my life, and for me, reminds me of my life beyond Ed. This is because we got Buddha about three weeks after my first attempt at treatment/recovery ended. I was S0 happy to have a Puppy again and adore him so... And how do the two of them get along, you might ask? See for yourself...

(6) My Friends

They have been there through it all with me. Ed, familial problems, losses, Ed, ED. My friends and I have been through so much and have lost some of our bestest through various tragedies, our most recent loss, of course, being My Bestie, Jilli. My friends stayed in my life during the depths of Ed, when all I did was push them away. They are STILL here... I feel so proud to call them mine.

  

   My friends bring me back to ME, Pre-Ed, and for that, I could NEVER be more thankful.

(7) My Yoga

Despite what some may think, I have only been into Yoga for a little less than a year. Some of my bloggies do know this, but for those of you who don't I used to have BIG TIME exercise problemos. I never considered it to be Exercise Bulimia, but my doctors did, and I guess that's where my perception was/is skewed. I did not binge before I exercised, though. I was severely restricting, WHILE in a zone of Insanity and Obsession. I cannot count the amount of times I missed classes, because I was working out. Would miss an entire DAY of classes because I would be sitting the whole time. It was horrible. For the sake of my readers, I will not reveal WHAT I did, but I will say that it led me to having three fractures in my right foot, as well as bone deformations, and severe blood flow irregularities. When I was casted (for almost four months), all before starting treatment round dos, I was suddenly forced to do N0THING. I'll admit that I was SCARED SHITLESS. Not about my foot and what I did to it, but about gaining weight. My already raging anxiety became even worse, and, thanks to the recommendation of my Mommabear, I turned to Yoga. I will never forget my first practice: I didn't even own a Yogamat, so I rolled out a towel, and checked out Yogadownload (thanks to Jenna ). I ended up partaking in the 20-minute Solar Flow and found myself calmed by the instructor's voice, instantaneously. ANNNDDD I found it to be REALLY challenging! I had NEVER done weights during my Ed, so carrying my body weight through a flow was totally a wake-up call. Most importantly, however, I found that my anxiety had quieted down, tremendously, even after a mere 20 minutes.

IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE:

Ever since then, I have been hooked. Yoga has been a constant in my life, one at one point, I almost abused, but was able to snap back and remind myself of why I come to my mat each and everyday: BECAUSE I AM W0RTH PEACE AND SERENITY. We all are. Especially within ourselves. And to this day, during my practice, during the time on my mat, regardless of the length of time--- It is the only SINGLE solitary time when I feel beautiful. Where I feel powerful and strong and full of life. It is a time that I am thankful to be alive AS ME, rather than wishing I could be someone else.

And lastly, I can close my eyes, and imagine my life as this:

And honestly, who wouldn't want THAT?

Thank you so much for tagging me, Synth... This was really wonderful, especially during a time when I must realize that there still ARE things to Love, things to Cherish, things to Persue. That Life Does Go On.

And now to tag and pass the award onto Seven Bloggettes:

(1) Chandra

(2) Gina

(3) Erin and Andrea

(4) Miss Gliding Calm

(5) Heather

(6) Jenn

(7) Erica

I love you all! I just chose the first names that popped into my mind...

Have a loverly night and a wonderful holiday tomorrow...

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavanthu, "May All Beings, Everywhere, Be Blessed with Happiness."

Namaste,

Julzie

My Angels...

Are each and every one of you. The outreach since Jilli's passing has been unreal to me. I know I can do this and I must, for Jilli. Thank you for holding me close to your hearts- I L0VE Y0U ALL.

And we will be okay...  

And we will be okay...

And we will be okay...

Happiest of Valentines Days, to all of my Amazing Angels... You are, if anything, blessings, in my life. And a very special Happy Valentine's Day, to my little secret cupid-receiver! Check out her blog, girls... She's just precious and has such a loving heart. (But seriously, when do Jenny's ever not...)

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavanthu, "May All Beings, Everywhere, Be Blessed with Happiness."

Namaste,

Julzie

My Heart just aches for you to come home, Jilli

Today was Jilli's funeral. I have cried so much today. My heart just aches and my eyes, so swollen from tears. My friend Jenny and I wore leopard for Jillibean, today. Leopard was her FAV0RITE! EVERYTHING was leopard. We had to wear it.

Here's just a little taste of Jill's impact on people: There were over 800 people at this funeral. 800. And being one of the first to come in, I was overwhelmed with warmth, seeing everyone from near and far.

As I walked up to the family, I saw Jilli's brother's, Andy and Rob, her Grandma, "Grandma" (ha), her Mommy, Nancy, and her Dad, Phil. Guys, Nancy saw me and fell into my arms. "0h Julz," she cried. She held me so tight. I just said, "Nance, I'm just so sorry, I'm just so sorry," and I held her. And in her hand that had held mine so, I placed this Golden Pocket Angel.

And took my seat. My heart hurt so. It was like I couldn't cry hard enough. It felt so wrong, so cruel, so mean. It was absolutely horrible, and for Jilli's mommy, her worst nightmare.

I was heartbroken. Nancy's heart sang for her daughter. Jill was her everything and I mean, everything.

After about an hour or so, the Rabbi came to a pause. "And now... We will hear from Nancy." I swear you heard the angel's weeping. I couldn't believe she was going to do this. How could she do this?

But how could she not do this.

"I wrote my daughter a letter, because, it was what I needed to do... My Jilli..."

She told Jill that she'll never forget the first time she ever saw her, and how perfect she was. How Jilli never judged or hurt anyone. And if she ever said anything that made another feel pain, she was plagued with such regret so shortly after. She said that she'll never forget when Jilli took her last breath in Nancy's arms, and the doctors took her away from her. She told her that she was sorry to be such a selfish mother, because even though Jilli was in pain, she wanted her back in her arms, from that moment on, and that she longed to touch her soft face, to hold her precious body, and to have her baby with her.

Nancy cried so during this letter, as we all did. As I looked on, I felt so much grief, so much sadness for Nance. This was so unfair. So horrible for her. Just so g-ddamn WR0NG. And I felt selfish, too, because, more than anything, I want my Jilli back. I pray that I'll just wake up already. It is such a frightening feeling. I want to see her there in front of me, holding her hands in mine. I just want to see her smiling eyes again. Not only once more, but thousands of times more. Is that too much to ask?

I found myself overcome with so many why's and how's and WHEN's it going to be over so I can wake the hell up already. Please G-d just let me wake the hell up, already, I can't bare it any longer. It's starting to become real, and it makes my skin crawl, and my hair stand on end. If there's anyone up there just please wake me up, already, I prayed, over and over and over again.

There was somebody there with me, but more on that in a minute.

As the time came near for the casket to be taken, Jilli's brothers Andy and Rob, along with two men from the synagogue, approached the task, with such truth. They were with her and she with them. As they went to lift it, I felt a twinge in my spine and quickly turned to my Mom, "Mom, I have something I need to give to her." She gave me that motherly look of guidance and trust that read, "It's okay." And I reached over to touch Andy's shoulder as he passed us. "Andy," I whispered as he quickly turned to me, "Please give this to her, for me." And in his hand, I placed this Silver Pocket Angel.

He gave me a nod, with the squint of his nose, and off they went.

After the service, a few of us went back to Jenny's house to sit on the couch and be together. At around 2:15 I texted my Mom: "Hi Mommy, I love you so much how are you?" She texted me back: "Hi baby, I'm okay, I love you too." Followed by: "Jill wanted to come?"

I paused, and responded with "What?"

Then she called me: "Why did you write that?" She asked me. "What?"

"My phone only vibrated once but when I went to check your text it had two from you, the first reading, 'Jilli wanted to come.' "

"I never wrote that," I told her, as my voice started shaking. My friends all stopped their chatter and turned to me, as my eyes welled up with tears. "It said, 'Jilli wanted to come?!' "

"I'll show you tonight. Julzybabe, she's gear with you. Hang on a second."

-PAUSE-

"I just got a text from no number reading, 'Julzie' " She quietly murmured.

Chills rushed up and down my spine, as she told me. That was what Jilli called me - "Julzie". It was Jilli. She was there and I had felt her there so strongly. My heart felt alive, my body, free from the constrictions of mourning. She was telling me that she still WAS here. She always would be. She'd always be my Jilli, and I, always her Julzie.

I just wished I could hug her at that moment. It was just so hard.

Later on this evening, we went to be with the family, to sit Shiva . I told Nancy how I wanted to be here for her, That I wanted to have her in my life, and be in hers. I wanted her to still come to my performances and experience things with her, and she with me. I just want Nance to have a daughter again, and while I know I could never be that for her, I want her to be able to watch me grow, see, and do all that Jillian would have. I just love her so much and care about her, endlessly.

But it was just so hard. I didn't want to leave that house. It frightened me to leave. I didn't want to leave My Jilli behind. I am so afraid of losing her. It is an anxiety that I am not sure, will ever heal...

As my mom and I were leaving, Andy approached me. He whispered in my ear, "I just want you to know, I gave it to her."

And with that, I had her with me.

I miss Jill so much. I can't even tell you. I've cried so much, and for so long, I'm afraid I'll never stop. What if my heart just gets so tired, that it breaks? Everything reminds me of her and I don't want anything ever not to. I am afraid to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be another day, gone, without her here. I don't want that. What do I do? How do I just go on? Go to class? Listen to lectures? Hold discussions? How can I when she isn't here anymore???

I need someone to just tell me how to wake up from this...

And just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...

A Secret Cupid brought her the Butterflies.

0h today... I ain't gonna lie, I got out of bed at 6:15pm. I wouldn't have, only my big brother came into my room to find me sobbing into my blanket, and sat down and put his big arms around me and told me to breathe. It was so dear. He told me I had to get up. I HAD to do something.

Today has been such a hard day. Honestly, the only times I got out of bed were to eat breakfast, and pee. I feel so strange. My friend Mikee (A female Mikee, such a little dove she is) and I have been talking the entire day. We both had the same bonds with Jilli. We just said how empty and scared we feel. I can't make sense of things. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably, then suddenly stopping and feeling numb. I know it will get easier, with time.

Jill was a sister to me. This afternoon I found myself, crying, so hard, with my arms reaching out for her. I was home alone, thank G-d. I didn't even know how I got there. It was like an out of body experience, as this whole thing has been. After many convos on the phone with friends, and some very precious facebook messages from a couple of very very dear dear bloggie babies, I found myself asking: Who Am I? (Thanks, Ames.)

Really... Who am I? I couldn't answer it. It was awful. I had nothing. I realized that not only have I been holding onto Ed, but I have been holding onto a false picture of myself. I then asked myself who Jillibean was.

I THEN began to write. I wrote Jill a L0000NG, L000000NG message. Literally writing for two hours, non-stop, about what she meant to me. About how much I wanted to tell her things I no longer could. Everything and anything. Every memory I could think of... I literally couldn't see by the time I was finished, I had been staring down for so long. It felt amazing. I know she got my message. I could feel it.

When my brother came in, I realized that I needed to do something. Some SELF CARE I had to get onto my mat. So roll it out, I did. And at the beginning, I set my intention: T0 HEAL. To heal the pain in my heart, the stress in my joints, and the doubt in my spirit that I will pull through. And as I was going through my Vinyasas, I felt Jill with me. And I breathed her in. And with that moment I began my healing.

After my lil 22 min sesh, I went to the door. For some reason, I knew my Secret Cupid would be there. And there she was, indeed. My Secret Cupid ... 0kay, well, SHE wasn't there, but her package was! Divine... That's all I's gonna say...

You guys, this girl payed attention with all of her big, beautiful heart. Sarah you made me feel touched and special and loved. I don't have a boyfriend, and with a Secret Cupid, who needs one? 0kayyyyyyy

See for yourself y'all...

(Umm is that card not gorgeous? I wanted to melt into that painting... So beautiful...)

(Is that not the freaking sweetest?!)

(Nice yo.)

(Sorry this one's a lil wonky... But I had to get Buddha in there)

(Luuuuuurrrvee)

(So incredibly thoughtful! Y'all know me and my Watermelons)

(LUNA IN DA H0USE.)

(The Famous GummyVites!!! Def more fun than my 0ne-A-Day Womens! TMI?)

(So pretty!!!!)

(NECC0 SWEETHEARTS! A trip back to my youth... J/K, y'all, I IS A Y0UTH!)

(Yayyy!)

Sarah, thank you so much... From the bottom of my heart. You don't know what this means to me, especially today. It couldn't have come at a more PURRRFECT time. Thank you so, doll!

After a Courageous Battle, An angel gets her wings...

It utterly breaks my heart, as I sit in a ball on my bedroom floor writing this post, to announce that my JilliBilli, after a courageous battle with Leukemia, passed away this morning. I cannot explain how I feel right now. My heart hurts so badly. I feel so guilty for being here, alive. I have never felt like this before, but I literally am so ashamed of how I have WASTED my life, thus far. Jilli was 0NE IN A MILLI0N. She was one of the funniest, SWEETEST, and BRAVEST people I have ever known. She friended me when I first started at my new school in 6th grade, and ever since then, we were inseparable. She went to Penn State with me, and was my roommate until I left, and ugh--- i just have no words.

JILLIAN SIEGEL, I WILL ALWAYS L0VE Y0U. I know you are an angel in heaven. Until we meet again, someday, Best Friends Forever and Ever ... Rest In Peace.

  

Secret Santa!!!

WHEN YOU SEE WHO MY SECRET SANTA WAS....

I KNOW YOU'LL BE TOTES JEAL.  (That was a little hint hehe)

BUt...

 You'll have to wait until this weekend to find out!! Muahaha...

I know I've been the WORST blogger EVER, but life has been a little WawaWeewa recently.  My secret santa was SO amazing, though, it gave me the BOOST to get back to blogginggg (for now.)

SEE YOU IN A COUPLE DAYS!  BY THAT TIME MY EXAMS WILL OVER OVER!!! YAyy