My Angels...

Are each and every one of you. The outreach since Jilli's passing has been unreal to me. I know I can do this and I must, for Jilli. Thank you for holding me close to your hearts- I L0VE Y0U ALL.

And we will be okay...  

And we will be okay...

And we will be okay...

Happiest of Valentines Days, to all of my Amazing Angels... You are, if anything, blessings, in my life. And a very special Happy Valentine's Day, to my little secret cupid-receiver! Check out her blog, girls... She's just precious and has such a loving heart. (But seriously, when do Jenny's ever not...)

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavanthu, "May All Beings, Everywhere, Be Blessed with Happiness."

Namaste,

Julzie

My Heart just aches for you to come home, Jilli

Today was Jilli's funeral. I have cried so much today. My heart just aches and my eyes, so swollen from tears. My friend Jenny and I wore leopard for Jillibean, today. Leopard was her FAV0RITE! EVERYTHING was leopard. We had to wear it.

Here's just a little taste of Jill's impact on people: There were over 800 people at this funeral. 800. And being one of the first to come in, I was overwhelmed with warmth, seeing everyone from near and far.

As I walked up to the family, I saw Jilli's brother's, Andy and Rob, her Grandma, "Grandma" (ha), her Mommy, Nancy, and her Dad, Phil. Guys, Nancy saw me and fell into my arms. "0h Julz," she cried. She held me so tight. I just said, "Nance, I'm just so sorry, I'm just so sorry," and I held her. And in her hand that had held mine so, I placed this Golden Pocket Angel.

And took my seat. My heart hurt so. It was like I couldn't cry hard enough. It felt so wrong, so cruel, so mean. It was absolutely horrible, and for Jilli's mommy, her worst nightmare.

I was heartbroken. Nancy's heart sang for her daughter. Jill was her everything and I mean, everything.

After about an hour or so, the Rabbi came to a pause. "And now... We will hear from Nancy." I swear you heard the angel's weeping. I couldn't believe she was going to do this. How could she do this?

But how could she not do this.

"I wrote my daughter a letter, because, it was what I needed to do... My Jilli..."

She told Jill that she'll never forget the first time she ever saw her, and how perfect she was. How Jilli never judged or hurt anyone. And if she ever said anything that made another feel pain, she was plagued with such regret so shortly after. She said that she'll never forget when Jilli took her last breath in Nancy's arms, and the doctors took her away from her. She told her that she was sorry to be such a selfish mother, because even though Jilli was in pain, she wanted her back in her arms, from that moment on, and that she longed to touch her soft face, to hold her precious body, and to have her baby with her.

Nancy cried so during this letter, as we all did. As I looked on, I felt so much grief, so much sadness for Nance. This was so unfair. So horrible for her. Just so g-ddamn WR0NG. And I felt selfish, too, because, more than anything, I want my Jilli back. I pray that I'll just wake up already. It is such a frightening feeling. I want to see her there in front of me, holding her hands in mine. I just want to see her smiling eyes again. Not only once more, but thousands of times more. Is that too much to ask?

I found myself overcome with so many why's and how's and WHEN's it going to be over so I can wake the hell up already. Please G-d just let me wake the hell up, already, I can't bare it any longer. It's starting to become real, and it makes my skin crawl, and my hair stand on end. If there's anyone up there just please wake me up, already, I prayed, over and over and over again.

There was somebody there with me, but more on that in a minute.

As the time came near for the casket to be taken, Jilli's brothers Andy and Rob, along with two men from the synagogue, approached the task, with such truth. They were with her and she with them. As they went to lift it, I felt a twinge in my spine and quickly turned to my Mom, "Mom, I have something I need to give to her." She gave me that motherly look of guidance and trust that read, "It's okay." And I reached over to touch Andy's shoulder as he passed us. "Andy," I whispered as he quickly turned to me, "Please give this to her, for me." And in his hand, I placed this Silver Pocket Angel.

He gave me a nod, with the squint of his nose, and off they went.

After the service, a few of us went back to Jenny's house to sit on the couch and be together. At around 2:15 I texted my Mom: "Hi Mommy, I love you so much how are you?" She texted me back: "Hi baby, I'm okay, I love you too." Followed by: "Jill wanted to come?"

I paused, and responded with "What?"

Then she called me: "Why did you write that?" She asked me. "What?"

"My phone only vibrated once but when I went to check your text it had two from you, the first reading, 'Jilli wanted to come.' "

"I never wrote that," I told her, as my voice started shaking. My friends all stopped their chatter and turned to me, as my eyes welled up with tears. "It said, 'Jilli wanted to come?!' "

"I'll show you tonight. Julzybabe, she's gear with you. Hang on a second."

-PAUSE-

"I just got a text from no number reading, 'Julzie' " She quietly murmured.

Chills rushed up and down my spine, as she told me. That was what Jilli called me - "Julzie". It was Jilli. She was there and I had felt her there so strongly. My heart felt alive, my body, free from the constrictions of mourning. She was telling me that she still WAS here. She always would be. She'd always be my Jilli, and I, always her Julzie.

I just wished I could hug her at that moment. It was just so hard.

Later on this evening, we went to be with the family, to sit Shiva . I told Nancy how I wanted to be here for her, That I wanted to have her in my life, and be in hers. I wanted her to still come to my performances and experience things with her, and she with me. I just want Nance to have a daughter again, and while I know I could never be that for her, I want her to be able to watch me grow, see, and do all that Jillian would have. I just love her so much and care about her, endlessly.

But it was just so hard. I didn't want to leave that house. It frightened me to leave. I didn't want to leave My Jilli behind. I am so afraid of losing her. It is an anxiety that I am not sure, will ever heal...

As my mom and I were leaving, Andy approached me. He whispered in my ear, "I just want you to know, I gave it to her."

And with that, I had her with me.

I miss Jill so much. I can't even tell you. I've cried so much, and for so long, I'm afraid I'll never stop. What if my heart just gets so tired, that it breaks? Everything reminds me of her and I don't want anything ever not to. I am afraid to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be another day, gone, without her here. I don't want that. What do I do? How do I just go on? Go to class? Listen to lectures? Hold discussions? How can I when she isn't here anymore???

I need someone to just tell me how to wake up from this...

FOR ME??!! *BLUSH* I'd like to thank my HOT-@$$ READAS (Okkkaaaaaaayyy)

SO like a BAJILLION damn years ago, this lucky girl received not one, but TWO Amazing Blogging Awards! HER FIRST ones, too!! (Ending third person mumjum...)

Now BELIEVE YOU ME (PRIME example of the superiority of the English language--- Err the irony of Ethnocentrism?) I know it's SO late to thank these girls for their acknowledgements, but I was OUT LIKE TROUT for quite some time and I figure Better Late than Never...

THANK YOU TO THE PRECIOUS JENN FROM EATINGBENDER ! Jenn is totally THE TOP, and though I'm not the only one who adores her, I DEFINITELY DO THE MOST OUT OF EVERYONE ACROSS THE BLOGSPHERE (What... You wanna fight?). MAN, Julz is Feisty today! Hehe You Like? So THANK YOU my sweetcheeks! You and your amazing blog have brightened up my cloudy days time and time again, and I think you are SUBLIME! (Love you Mama!) OH and if you havn't yet checked out EatingBender, DO IT OR DIE... Right Jenn? (I gotchu girl!)

I would ALSO like to thank Lexi who used to run the blog Healthy Eating Blog . Unfortunately, Lex did not have the support that she deserved from her readers... Many left disheartening comments on her blog. (Those of which made me sick, disappointed, and SO creeped out. Honestly, in her situation? She was asking for kind words, warmth and love, and in turn received harsh banishment and discouragement. )That is NOT to say, however, that she did not have the support of the Bogging Community! Those of us who blog were ROOTING FOR THAT CUTE KABOOSE OF YOURS ALL THE WAY, LEXI-BABY (And we still are!) Your blog was REAL and exemplified your strength and grace, both of which were particularly noteworthy at SUCH a young age! We miss you, Lex! Thank you for this award and I hope you drop by to say hi, soon! XO

Wanna see the BEAUTIFUL AWARD?? Oh. You don't? Well, good thing it ain't YO blog, cuz you don't havva choice! (Watchout... I'm hot like that.)

Plus, I have to follow the rules! But since I received TWO awards (Alriiiight Alriiight we GET IT ALREADY!), i get to DOUBLE-EM UP! (You'll see what I mean in a sec!)

THE RULES:

(1) Put the logo on your blog.



(2) Add a link to the person who awarded you.



(3) Nominate at least seven other blogs.



(4) Add links to those blogs on your blog.



(5) Leave a message for your nominee on their blogs.

THE AWARD:

Isn't it GORG??!! *Sigh... I just LOVE IT!!!

And here's the Doubling up part, since I already linked y'all to My Amazing HOMEGIRL JENN . (Oh... hehe. Whoops!) BUT I'm going to give the award to not 7, not 10 (Why 10? Bc I needed a third component here, obvi.), but 14!! Hence the DOUBLING UP! Owww OWW!!

I tried to choose some Bloggers that have NOT already received the award! Though, PLEASE know... I wish I could give it to ALL Y'ALL!! (Also, I have to leave some bloggers left to receive the awards of MY recipients!)

PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM LISTING YOU GIRLS IN REVERSE ALPHABETICAL ORDER. Why? Because your S+D has a last name that begins with "W," and because it's my blog, I am OWNING THIS OPPORTUNITY to give the End-of-the-Alphabetters a SHOUTOUT and a reason to smile! (Though please know, I want every single one of you smiling ALL DAY! I know I will be! ) OH YEAH... And please hold all applause until the end! Thank You!

(1) Sammie (Running with a Recipe)

(2) Sabrina (Rhodeygirl Tests)

(3) Mi (Whole Foods for a Whole Me)

(4) Melissa (Trying to Heal)

(5) Meghan (The Inner Workings of a College Graduate)

(6) Jenny (This Winding Road)

(7) Jennifer (Running with Food)

(8) Heather (and Mark!) (Hangry Pants)

(9) Erin and Andrea (Care to Eat)

(10) Erica (EEE)

(11) Gina (The Fitnessista)

(12) Caitlin (See Bride Run)

(13) B-Health (Body. Mind. Soul.)

(14) Amy (Coffee Talk)

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FANTASTIC RECIPIENTS AND THANKS AGAIN TO JENN AND LEXI FOR THINKING OF ME... Eventhough Jenn's list was "selected at random"... hehe.

OH and BY the way... I want to start a NEW AWARD/BADGE!! This award is a reflection of my FAVORITE YOGA SANSKRIT:

"Lokah Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu: May All beings, everywhere, be blessed with Happiness."

THE GUARDIAN BUDDHA

I want to give this Buddha to three bloggers to start--- Now these are some STRONG ASS CUTIES! These girls have kicked some serious ass and have wrestled with some brutal beasts, facing tremendous obstacles -- Many of the same obstacles that I, personally, though I've never mentioned it before, have been defeated by, and many of which I am still wrestling with today (Please don't treat me any differently -- Eep -- Did I just totally make a mistake putting that out there? This makes me WHOA nervous ). WE ALL GO THROUGH THINGS IN OUR LIVES AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU DESERVES THIS GUARDIAN BUDDHA BOY with you each and everyday. It was SO hard for me to choose, (I AM NOT BELITTLING ANYONES OBSTACLES... I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME RULLNESS-- RULL-NESS-- BUT I WANT THIS TO BE PASSED ON AND ON AND ON), so I merely went with those bloggers who have shared that struggle with me. I hope that each of you ALLOW THIS BUDDHA TO RELAX/HEAL YOUR WORRIES, freeing you to live a little easier, each day. I know that sometimes, the tiniest daily happenings feel as though they are the HEAVIEST of burdens and that on those days in particular, I need my inner Buddha to lift me up just a little higher. To clear my chest of the weighted emotions that feel so heavy, and to clear my mind of those terrorizing voices. I love you girls, times infin. and I cannot wait for your Buddha to guide you :) Namaste.

(1) Jenny (This Winding Road)

(2) Melissa (Trying to Heal)

(3) Amy (Coffee Talk)

So give this award to 3 Bloggers and explain your "Pay it Forward"ness, if you can. Link the bloggers, leave them a comment and sit back, relax, and allow your LONG-and-LASTING-PEACE-with-yourself to finally lead your amazing and wonderful life. <3

And last but not least, my best friend from childhood is Battling Leukemia (we just found out about two-three weeks ago) and is at Johns Hopkins going through Chemo... PLEASE HOLD HER IN THE LIGHT... If anything happens to this girl -- Man, I have not a clue what I'll do... She really needs all of the light you can give her.

Her name is Jill. She's just the dearest of the dear. Thanks guys...

Here we are a little while back (haha read 4 years!)

AND TO END ON A HAPPY NOTE: GO PHILS N GO BIRDS! I'll be at the Eagles game tomorrow!!!!