Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Someone's gotta be up there...

Sunday, ten.thirty in the morning.

Everything about the world right now frightens me. Everything threatens me and I don't know how to get away. Where do I go? What do I do? Standing in the middle of my room, feeling as if I am being held under water, unable to breathe, my throat in a choke-hold and no where to go. Two roles: The slave driver and the slave.

"Julzy, Jen's home." My mom mentions through my bedroom door.

"Uh huh," I manage to spew out something other than a cry. My chest so tight, my hands, shaking. My legs weak. I. am. afraid. to. move.

"Any reason you haven't seen her? All of your friends are home."

Any reason?

"No," and that's it. There's nothing else to say, no one understand me, I have nothing, no one, but me and my sea of hatred that keeps me from reblooming after losing her three months ago. Dried up, dying of thirst, the sun runs away from me. How cold the world feels without it.


"You were trapped." Jamie. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. Her Majesty, Jamie. The Divine.

"That was it. I was buried in my own fleshy tomb, suffocating. Totally and utterly trapped." I whisper.

I feel Amy's eyes on me, her comfort calming my heart, as it always does.   


"Do you want to come with me to get my nails done, Booboo?" Mom wants to help me. I know she wants to more than anything. But everyone knows I'm stuck inside the world of unforgiving failures, and still no one will say anything. Why is everyone so afraid of me... I'm sorry, Please Forgive Me.

"No," I act like I don't care. But I do. More than anything and I can't go with you, Mom. "No." As if she is surprised. I love her more than anything, and wish I could spend my every second with her, but she is above me. Mom, I love you, but you are above me. I feel undeserving of time spent with you. Do you know this?


AMY PEARL STONE: "Don't worry. We will take you away from here."

I tell her I trust her, I trust Jamie. I do. With my entire life. I put myself in their hands and feel safe. Safer in theirs than in my own. He can't touch us when we're together. TIme stands still and in an instant I stop shivering.

Driving on the highway, I see a sign for my exit. Finally. 2.5 MILES. And then I think of Jilli. In a battlefield of angst and chaos I reach for my phone and text Jill. I text her all the time. "I MISS YOU. EVERY DAY." And I am discouraged. Everyday I miss her more than the last. "When will it get easier?" Now I'm crying and my chest is drowning again. FUCK I missed my exit. I gather my composure, 'suck it up, don't embarrass me,' my thoughts are cruel and I'm tired after too many sleepless nights.

"I missed my Exit, Ames," I called her immediately. I had to get away from myself.

"Okay, where are you Julz?"

"I don't know... I missed my Exit for 95N." I don't know where I am, but amazingly I'm no longer lost. I'm found and need not utter a worry. 25 minutes away from the Stones, now, but Amy knows. She senses and she knows. "I'm going to stay on until you get to my house. I'm not going anywhere," she tells me. And she does. And I'm totally and completely safe, and for the first time in a long time, I feel loved and cradled with a shelter to protect me, and no one can touch me. I'm home.

Sitting in a coffee shop, on South Street, my worries are nonexistent, out of mind, and I feel the floor underneath my feet and IT. FEELS. AMAZING. Sitting, taking each other in, I look at Amy and Jamie: Queens. I get chills thinking of the two before me. And I laugh at how lame I am, in this very moment. I. Have. Found. Them.


The hours spent walking the streets of Philadelphia. PEACE. It's suddenly springtime and the flowers are blooming and the sun, yes the sun, is FINALLY shining. As we leave the city streets, the three of us, in Brooke's Audi, completely united in thought, though silent in sound. There. Is. So. Much. Love.

"I was thinking about something..." Breaking the silence, my words spilling out of me, as I smile, for the first time in a LONG time. "I have been doubting the existence of a higher power, for so long now... But after today, I just know. Someone's gotta be up there..."

I slept really well last night.


GreenDogWine said...

OH Julz - there are no words. Stay strong my love - YOU are a queen!ap

amy. said...

You are such a gifted spirit, my friend. I admire the honesty and purity in this post Julz--I told you last night that you could write like this if you really wanted to allow yourself. And you did. And I'm so, so proud.

I would do anything for you. I am beyond words, in regards to our special connection, the three of us. Beyond words, beyond "luck"...its both purely perfection and magic. In the same beautiful little huddle of three girls who found each other at precisely the correct time. Such parallels, such pasts, such pain...but such beauty when we retreat together.

Creating safety and trust, that is what we are here for.

Love you ! Forevz.

Leah @ Simply Fabulous said...

Wow, what amazing writing.
I'm sort of at a loss for words..
but i'm reading..
just know that, k? :)

Sarah said...

I love you Julz. I have tears of compassion and empathy for you. I KNOW. You are bigger than all of this. HE is bigger than all of this. You are deserving, and you will have the peace that you seek. If I can do anything, please let me know.
Hugs, Sarah

Rose said...

This is beautiful. A friendship like that is beautiful. Hold on to it.

just me said...

love you julz, love you love you love you.

we're always here for you babe; and you know that you can get any of our digits when ever you need to them to call. :)


Anonymous said...

i love you. you may not know it, but I do.

thank you for everything, thank you for speaking to us, and letting us in. WE love you. we do.

take care and reach high.
We are always here for you Julzy.

Anonymous said...

you, are a true gem.

you are deserving of SO MUCH, and i wish there were something other than words to try and convey that to you.

your words, though, are plenty.. thank you for sharing this with us, beautiful julz.

Emily said...


we love you; we're here for you.

and you are so right...someone is up there...there is a higher power who loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine.

stay strong!

elise said...

oh sweet sweet julz...stay strong. you are so deserving, you are so wonderful. let everything out, and write and write and write. you are a beautiful girl. inside and out.


Jenny said...

you are my world dear Juls. I am so in awe of the rare and special relationship that you 3 have .. as I told my darling Amy.. you girls are soulmates.

Love you beyond words

Anonymous said...

Julzie- aside from this being amazingly written and a candidate for my senior sem on postmodern lit :-D- I'm always here for you, and like Melissa said, if you ever want a phone chat or an ichat or a face to FACE chat (get your booty to New York, lady!) I would love nothing more. Love you!

HangryPants said...

julz, what a beutiful post. really, thank you for sharing with us and for allowing us to get to know you better. i feel honored and am so happy you found a special friendship with jamie and amy.

Anonymous said...

It's true - you are all so lucky to have each other - but you deserve each other too.
This is such a meaningful post. Thanks for checking in baby. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Julz, this is hauntingly beautiful. You are a glorious, shining soul that deserves everything in the world. I could not be happier that you have found Jamie and Amy. You were all destined to be together. I truly believe that friends are our angels and our soulmates. With them we are lifted, enhanced, loved. Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. I'm glad to see a little update from your gorgeous and sparkling self. Much love :)

chandra said...

This is beautiful Julz, as are you. Bonds and friendships like that are extraordinary and I'm glad you've found it. And always remember, no one on earth is above you, we are all here beside you and we love you. :) ♥

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

I love you...live and make the life you truly deserve xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

I love you so much! You have a way with words that is indescribable and, at the same time, can be summed up in one word: gifted. I can't tell you often enough how truly blessed I am to know you. There have been so many occasions where you have lifted my spirit higher than I thought possible on a gloomy, mediocre day. I can only hope that there is some way I can repay you for all the kindness you have shown me. I need to meet you someday, Julz. You are such a beauty, inside and out. Love forever <3

Anonymous said...

there is someone up there baby J.
and you deserve all the light it brings to a soul.

i love you

Anonymous said...

My adorable Julz, this was such a beautiful post and I just wish I could be there to hug you and giggle with you!! Stay strong, WE ALL love you so, so much.

PB and Jess said...

You're so inspiring, what beautiful writing!

ConsiderEatz! said...

Julzy. beyond, beyond..beyond words right now.
Love as always, you are pure love.

Mara said...

I'm without words after reading yours... you are such a true, kind spirit!

Anonymous said...

Even though you are feeling low right now know that we are all happy for your expression. I hope that your friends and family can lift you up to the peace that you need. I hope to keep seeing that 1 next to your blog name in my GR! Big hugs!!

Anonymous said...

I love you. I love your honesty. I love your writing. I love your faith. Peace, my darling...

<3 Er

Anonymous said...

You too are an amazing writer. You deserve amazing friendships like that. I'm pretty speechless other than that. Wow you are good.
Thank you for finding me :D
And that quote you sent me in your comment IS brilliant!
Have a great day,

elise said...

hey loverpieeeeeee, just wanted to drop in and say wassup. hows things. i miss your cute face in the blogosphere. smoochies amor!

yo fave hippie


Joy said...

My life changed in an amazing way once I let God/Jesus into my life. He is all about unconditional love and without him you will just carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders.

Danielle said...

Oh Julz, stay strong sweetheart. I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best that you, my dear, very much deserve!

faisal said...


Great post.

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Style Inside Out said...

Stay strong. I just read your blog and started to tear up. You seem like such a brave girl. I am so sorry for your loss. You are inspiring so many people out there/

My Year Without said...

I just came across your blog today...and I'm very intrigued!