Wednesday, February 11, 2009

And just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...

A Secret Cupid brought her the Butterflies.

0h today... I ain't gonna lie, I got out of bed at 6:15pm. I wouldn't have, only my big brother came into my room to find me sobbing into my blanket, and sat down and put his big arms around me and told me to breathe. It was so dear. He told me I had to get up. I HAD to do something.

Today has been such a hard day. Honestly, the only times I got out of bed were to eat breakfast, and pee. I feel so strange. My friend Mikee (A female Mikee, such a little dove she is) and I have been talking the entire day. We both had the same bonds with Jilli. We just said how empty and scared we feel. I can't make sense of things. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably, then suddenly stopping and feeling numb. I know it will get easier, with time.

Jill was a sister to me. This afternoon I found myself, crying, so hard, with my arms reaching out for her. I was home alone, thank G-d. I didn't even know how I got there. It was like an out of body experience, as this whole thing has been. After many convos on the phone with friends, and some very precious facebook messages from a couple of very very dear dear bloggie babies, I found myself asking: Who Am I? (Thanks, Ames.)

Really... Who am I? I couldn't answer it. It was awful. I had nothing. I realized that not only have I been holding onto Ed, but I have been holding onto a false picture of myself. I then asked myself who Jillibean was.

I THEN began to write. I wrote Jill a L0000NG, L000000NG message. Literally writing for two hours, non-stop, about what she meant to me. About how much I wanted to tell her things I no longer could. Everything and anything. Every memory I could think of... I literally couldn't see by the time I was finished, I had been staring down for so long. It felt amazing. I know she got my message. I could feel it.

When my brother came in, I realized that I needed to do something. Some SELF CARE I had to get onto my mat. So roll it out, I did. And at the beginning, I set my intention: T0 HEAL. To heal the pain in my heart, the stress in my joints, and the doubt in my spirit that I will pull through. And as I was going through my Vinyasas, I felt Jill with me. And I breathed her in. And with that moment I began my healing.

After my lil 22 min sesh, I went to the door. For some reason, I knew my Secret Cupid would be there. And there she was, indeed. My Secret Cupid ... 0kay, well, SHE wasn't there, but her package was! Divine... That's all I's gonna say...

You guys, this girl payed attention with all of her big, beautiful heart. Sarah you made me feel touched and special and loved. I don't have a boyfriend, and with a Secret Cupid, who needs one? 0kayyyyyyy

See for yourself y'all...P2110272.JPG

(Umm is that card not gorgeous? I wanted to melt into that painting... So beautiful...)


(Is that not the freaking sweetest?!)


(Nice yo.)

P2110279.JPG(Sorry this one's a lil wonky... But I had to get Buddha in there)



(So incredibly thoughtful! Y'all know me and my Watermelons)



(The Famous GummyVites!!! Def more fun than my 0ne-A-Day Womens! TMI?)


(So pretty!!!!)


(NECC0 SWEETHEARTS! A trip back to my youth... J/K, y'all, I IS A Y0UTH!)



Sarah, thank you so much... From the bottom of my heart. You don't know what this means to me, especially today. It couldn't have come at a more PURRRFECT time. Thank you so, doll!


Lauryn said...

julz, im thinking about you and am SO proud of you for being as courageous and strong as you have been today. it's not an easy road, and it is NOT fair that your friend was taken from us so soon; please know that i'm here for you in any way that i can be.

have a peaceful night, love.


VeggieGirl said...

Julz, you already know how I feel about all this (since we've been conversing all day) - stay strong, love.

Enjoy the package - it came just at the right moment!!

Anonymous said...

oh julz - again im so sorry... i hope somehow you find strength and know that your dear friend will be with you forever...

i'm glad you received something to brighten up your day and a great thoughtful gift like that was definitely the perfect thing :) i love the watermelon lip gloss - perfect for you!

if you need someone to listen or talk to, i'm here :)

just me said...

julz babe, hugs and hugs and hugs to you. you are being so strong.

i think that package came at a good time to lift your spirits a bit. enjoy all that funness.

*Erica* said...

Sounds like that fantastic package came at just the right time. I think Jillian is watching over's no surprise that you felt her presence today. Be well, darling girl. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Julz! I'm so glad you shared thi! What a spiritual moment you had on the mat with your Jilli. It's amazing - I'm so proud of you for getting out of bed and practicing that self-care.
I loved your message today. I listened to it twice and saved it. :)
I understand grief and loss are so painful and they last quite awhile. If I can do anything for youat any time, please let me know. I will def call you tom. I LOVE YOU.

Vegan On Stage said...

your post just seriously got so sorry again for your loss.. but the fact that you got up and had a positive attitude speaks for how strong you are!

seriosuly... writing a letter to someone you have lost helps so much... i love my aunt a couple of years ago... and never really realized how much i missed her until for an acting assignment, my teacher had us write a loved one a definitely hit home... keep that letter girl and look at it whenver you feel sad

Maggie said...


Julz I'm thinking of you always :)

Anonymous said...

Know that I love love love you Julz! And you are going to get through this I just know it. I'm so glad your secret cupid came today, what lovely surprise. I love you and am still thinking and praying about you...message me if you need/want to!!

Anonymous said...

Julz, you are such a beautiful person, inside and out. Honestly, your words in this post touched me to the core and brought me to tears all over again. Your spirit inspires me and I can't reiterate enough how sorry I am for your loss. I am always, always just a message or phone call away if you want to talk. I know you don't have my number...but I'll give it to you in a heartbeat!

What an amazingly thoughtful Secret Cupid gift. The watermelon lip gloss is priceless. Your girl is totally thoughtful - I love it.

Keep indulging in self care. I love you!

Heather McD (Heather Eats Almond Butter) said...

Julz, I'm sending good thoughts your way, and I'm thankful that your secret cupid gift made it to your doorstep at just the right moment. Keep up the self care - soooo good right now (& always) for the body, mind, & spirit.

Anonymous said...

Julz I am so sorry to hear about Jillian. Much hugs and love to her and all of her friends and family, and to YOU. Hang in there, you are a wonderful person.

And how perfect to have received such a lovely Secret Cupid gift right now.

Keep on going strong <3

Anonymous said...

julz, my lovely, i am so glad to read this post and know that the healing has started. i've been thinking about you a lot over the past few days and mentally sending you strength. you're such a strong, wonderful, loving person, and it will take a lot of healing over time to come to terms with a loss like this. i'm so glad to know you're facing it head-on and honoring jill's memory and feeling her presence already. please know that i'm here for you, and that everyone here is here for you if you ever need to talk.

i'm glad the package brought a little light into the day, and know that each day gets a little bit better.

have a calm, love-filled day!

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. If you need anything, please, please, please let me know.
I'm glad you enjoyed your package, and I'm even more happy it could brighten up your day just a bit.
You are wonderful and strong! But don't forget to take some time for yourself and allow yourself to heal.

Much love,

aussirish said...

hun your in my thoughts, im so sorry for what your going through but your being so strong and amazing. were all here for you 100 percent!
im glad that package arived for you today..just the perfect time.
love you girlie

Amanda said...

Julz ~ I'm thinking of you and praying for you for comfort and peace in this difficult time!

You've been such a source of encouragement to me lately, so thank you!!


Anonymous said...

{{{HUGS}}} my dear julz. You are a strong, courageous woman with the most beautiful soul. You will come through this with a stronger love and compassion, I know it. Your dear friend will always live in your heart and she will shine though in everything you do.

Peace and Namaste

Anonymous said...

Julz, I am SO sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart that you're having a tough time right now - I can only pray that things will start to return to normal for you. It can be very, very hard but just know that if you ever need anything at all I'm only a click away.


Anonymous said...

Julz you are such an amazing person and it breaks my heart to hear about your suffering.

I'm glad you were able to practice some self care and reconnect with Jillian.

Love you hun!