And just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...

A Secret Cupid brought her the Butterflies.

0h today... I ain't gonna lie, I got out of bed at 6:15pm. I wouldn't have, only my big brother came into my room to find me sobbing into my blanket, and sat down and put his big arms around me and told me to breathe. It was so dear. He told me I had to get up. I HAD to do something.

Today has been such a hard day. Honestly, the only times I got out of bed were to eat breakfast, and pee. I feel so strange. My friend Mikee (A female Mikee, such a little dove she is) and I have been talking the entire day. We both had the same bonds with Jilli. We just said how empty and scared we feel. I can't make sense of things. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably, then suddenly stopping and feeling numb. I know it will get easier, with time.

Jill was a sister to me. This afternoon I found myself, crying, so hard, with my arms reaching out for her. I was home alone, thank G-d. I didn't even know how I got there. It was like an out of body experience, as this whole thing has been. After many convos on the phone with friends, and some very precious facebook messages from a couple of very very dear dear bloggie babies, I found myself asking: Who Am I? (Thanks, Ames.)

Really... Who am I? I couldn't answer it. It was awful. I had nothing. I realized that not only have I been holding onto Ed, but I have been holding onto a false picture of myself. I then asked myself who Jillibean was.

I THEN began to write. I wrote Jill a L0000NG, L000000NG message. Literally writing for two hours, non-stop, about what she meant to me. About how much I wanted to tell her things I no longer could. Everything and anything. Every memory I could think of... I literally couldn't see by the time I was finished, I had been staring down for so long. It felt amazing. I know she got my message. I could feel it.

When my brother came in, I realized that I needed to do something. Some SELF CARE I had to get onto my mat. So roll it out, I did. And at the beginning, I set my intention: T0 HEAL. To heal the pain in my heart, the stress in my joints, and the doubt in my spirit that I will pull through. And as I was going through my Vinyasas, I felt Jill with me. And I breathed her in. And with that moment I began my healing.

After my lil 22 min sesh, I went to the door. For some reason, I knew my Secret Cupid would be there. And there she was, indeed. My Secret Cupid ... 0kay, well, SHE wasn't there, but her package was! Divine... That's all I's gonna say...

You guys, this girl payed attention with all of her big, beautiful heart. Sarah you made me feel touched and special and loved. I don't have a boyfriend, and with a Secret Cupid, who needs one? 0kayyyyyyy

See for yourself y'all...

(Umm is that card not gorgeous? I wanted to melt into that painting... So beautiful...)

(Is that not the freaking sweetest?!)

(Nice yo.)

(Sorry this one's a lil wonky... But I had to get Buddha in there)

(Luuuuuurrrvee)

(So incredibly thoughtful! Y'all know me and my Watermelons)

(LUNA IN DA H0USE.)

(The Famous GummyVites!!! Def more fun than my 0ne-A-Day Womens! TMI?)

(So pretty!!!!)

(NECC0 SWEETHEARTS! A trip back to my youth... J/K, y'all, I IS A Y0UTH!)

(Yayyy!)

Sarah, thank you so much... From the bottom of my heart. You don't know what this means to me, especially today. It couldn't have come at a more PURRRFECT time. Thank you so, doll!