Today was okay... I felt itchy all day, a lil anxious, but nothing a powerful flow and brisk walk outside with the Momma (and the babies) didn't ease. I apologize if I have been so negative, recently. I am sorry if this past week was annoying for my readers-- Actually, I'm not. It's somewhat surprising how much one's "audience" depletes, when the mood is down. I guess at the time, I didn't think about it, and I'm sorry IF it turned you off; however, I am not sorry for posting about it. It was a tribute that I definitely needed to put it into words, and for those who lent me their hearts and prayers, I thank you so. It meant the W0RLD to me, and was so therapeutic. I love you girls, so.
Anyways, someone who has been A.MAZING this past week (among so many others, <3 ) is the effervescent Synthia . I was tagged and given an Award, and a very dear one at that
This was such an honor. I feel like I've been such a bad blogger, such an UNRELIABLE blogger, and it really makes me feel bad to receive such an award. There are S0 many incredible bloggers out there, I feel like I'm so inadequate and undeserving. But regardless, it feels so comforting to know that there is someone out there that finds my blog worthwhile. THank you so much Synth... It means so much.
In honor of this award, I am to list Seven Things that I Love:
(1) My Parents
I don't even know where to begin. My Dad has always been my protector and my shield, and he is the type of Dad that ALWAYS thinks he can save me. Suffering through Ed was extremely hard on my Father. He shut down and became so concerned and so sad, that he completely lost touch with himself and his pleasures in life. I will always be my Daddy's Girl and I adore him so.
My Momma. What is there N0T to say about her? She is my redeemer, my guardian, my everything. My Mom makes me feel like EVERYTHING will be okay, no matter what it be that frightens my heart. She is the most Beautiful, most Perfect being, in my eyes, and has the most incredible heart of anyone I have ever known. I am so honored to have her as my Mommy and my Best Friend. My mom stuck by my side during Ed, and never ever judged me by my illness. She is my Angel.
I believe, without a doubt in my mind or heart, that I was meant to be My Parent's Child. I am so connected to them, so hopelessly adoring of them both. Ed almost broke my family apart, and my parent's struggled so much within their marriage, because of Ed. I am so thankful for their strength, their love, and their unending support.
(2) My Brother, James
Something else that really suffered with Ed was my relationship with my brother. It was horrible. Before Ed, my relationship with Jimmy was Beautiful. His way of coping was to ostracize and humiliate me. To reject me, in front of others, to make me feel ashamed. I couldn't be around him without being brought to hysterics and it was so hard. Jimmy cried in front of me, telling me he was so scared to lose me. I had never seen him cry before, and it was a wake up call for me. It made me realize that Ed brings out the absolute Worst in EVERY0NE, not just it's active sufferers. We are working towards rebuilding this relationship, and I pray that it will be like it was, before Ed. That someday we can have that Beautiful Bond, once again. All with time...
(3) My Beautiful Grandmother, Grammy
My Maternal Grandmother is someone who has been through S0 much grief, so much heartache, and so much emotional burden that it AMAZES me how positive, hopeful, and loving she still is. She lost my Grandfather to Liver Cancer when he was 60. My Grandfather, Poppy, was an absolute Angel, one whom I have never met in person, but still feel as if I know him. It's very difficult to explain. Anyways, he was the first and only man that my Grammy has ever loved. He saw her at a dance at their country club when she was 16 and walked up to his parents and said, "Do you see that girl? I'm going to marry her, someday." TRUE ST0RY. My Grammy has lost so many of her loved ones and bestest friends to Cancer, and instead of being victimized by her losses, she formed a Support Group for Cancer patients, and their families. She shared with me her passion for Opera, taking me to the MET to see he greatest in the world ever since I can remember. She is an exquisite artist, as well. I just adore her. The most precious thing ever.
4) My Grandfather, Pop
It's so upsetting that I don't actually have a picture of my Pop[sicle] on my Laptop, but I will have you know he is so very special to me. He was raised in a VERY tight shift, and was never shown much love from his father. Going to fight in Vietnam also heightened his tendency to shut out the world, and left him with post traumatic stress. The most difficult thing for him to do? Say the words: I Love You. But her gave me a card for my 18th Birthday that read those words and those words only. I love him so much for that.
5) My Animals
Buddha and Mylo (My Standard Pure Bred Poodle and My Tabby Cat) are my babies. I found Mylo when he was about 4-5 weeks old... Actually HE found US and from the get-go was the sweetest cat I'd ever known. He is so precious and has such a loving personality, he's seriously like a puppy. He is always wanting to snuggle and love <3 . Buddha is the baby in the family. He has been such a light in my life, and for me, reminds me of my life beyond Ed. This is because we got Buddha about three weeks after my first attempt at treatment/recovery ended. I was S0 happy to have a Puppy again and adore him so... And how do the two of them get along, you might ask? See for yourself...
(6) My Friends
They have been there through it all with me. Ed, familial problems, losses, Ed, ED. My friends and I have been through so much and have lost some of our bestest through various tragedies, our most recent loss, of course, being My Bestie, Jilli. My friends stayed in my life during the depths of Ed, when all I did was push them away. They are STILL here... I feel so proud to call them mine.
My friends bring me back to ME, Pre-Ed, and for that, I could NEVER be more thankful.
(7) My Yoga
Despite what some may think, I have only been into Yoga for a little less than a year. Some of my bloggies do know this, but for those of you who don't I used to have BIG TIME exercise problemos. I never considered it to be Exercise Bulimia, but my doctors did, and I guess that's where my perception was/is skewed. I did not binge before I exercised, though. I was severely restricting, WHILE in a zone of Insanity and Obsession. I cannot count the amount of times I missed classes, because I was working out. Would miss an entire DAY of classes because I would be sitting the whole time. It was horrible. For the sake of my readers, I will not reveal WHAT I did, but I will say that it led me to having three fractures in my right foot, as well as bone deformations, and severe blood flow irregularities. When I was casted (for almost four months), all before starting treatment round dos, I was suddenly forced to do N0THING. I'll admit that I was SCARED SHITLESS. Not about my foot and what I did to it, but about gaining weight. My already raging anxiety became even worse, and, thanks to the recommendation of my Mommabear, I turned to Yoga. I will never forget my first practice: I didn't even own a Yogamat, so I rolled out a towel, and checked out Yogadownload (thanks to Jenna ). I ended up partaking in the 20-minute Solar Flow and found myself calmed by the instructor's voice, instantaneously. ANNNDDD I found it to be REALLY challenging! I had NEVER done weights during my Ed, so carrying my body weight through a flow was totally a wake-up call. Most importantly, however, I found that my anxiety had quieted down, tremendously, even after a mere 20 minutes.
IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE:
Ever since then, I have been hooked. Yoga has been a constant in my life, one at one point, I almost abused, but was able to snap back and remind myself of why I come to my mat each and everyday: BECAUSE I AM W0RTH PEACE AND SERENITY. We all are. Especially within ourselves. And to this day, during my practice, during the time on my mat, regardless of the length of time--- It is the only SINGLE solitary time when I feel beautiful. Where I feel powerful and strong and full of life. It is a time that I am thankful to be alive AS ME, rather than wishing I could be someone else.
And lastly, I can close my eyes, and imagine my life as this:
And honestly, who wouldn't want THAT?
Thank you so much for tagging me, Synth... This was really wonderful, especially during a time when I must realize that there still ARE things to Love, things to Cherish, things to Persue. That Life Does Go On.
And now to tag and pass the award onto Seven Bloggettes:
I love you all! I just chose the first names that popped into my mind...
Have a loverly night and a wonderful holiday tomorrow...
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavanthu, "May All Beings, Everywhere, Be Blessed with Happiness."