Sunday, February 15, 2009

A very special tagging...

Today was okay... I felt itchy all day, a lil anxious, but nothing a powerful flow and brisk walk outside with the Momma (and the babies) didn't ease. I apologize if I have been so negative, recently. I am sorry if this past week was annoying for my readers-- Actually, I'm not. It's somewhat surprising how much one's "audience" depletes, when the mood is down. I guess at the time, I didn't think about it, and I'm sorry IF it turned you off; however, I am not sorry for posting about it. It was a tribute that I definitely needed to put it into words, and for those who lent me their hearts and prayers, I thank you so. It meant the W0RLD to me, and was so therapeutic. I love you girls, so.

Anyways, someone who has been A.MAZING this past week (among so many others, <3 ) is the effervescent Synthia . I was tagged and given an Award, and a very dear one at that


This was such an honor. I feel like I've been such a bad blogger, such an UNRELIABLE blogger, and it really makes me feel bad to receive such an award. There are S0 many incredible bloggers out there, I feel like I'm so inadequate and undeserving. But regardless, it feels so comforting to know that there is someone out there that finds my blog worthwhile. THank you so much Synth... It means so much.

In honor of this award, I am to list Seven Things that I Love:

(1) My Parents

I don't even know where to begin. My Dad has always been my protector and my shield, and he is the type of Dad that ALWAYS thinks he can save me. Suffering through Ed was extremely hard on my Father. He shut down and became so concerned and so sad, that he completely lost touch with himself and his pleasures in life. I will always be my Daddy's Girl and I adore him so.n1465350033_30051876_5362.jpgn1465350033_30050723_5118.jpg

My Momma. What is there N0T to say about her? She is my redeemer, my guardian, my everything. My Mom makes me feel like EVERYTHING will be okay, no matter what it be that frightens my heart. She is the most Beautiful, most Perfect being, in my eyes, and has the most incredible heart of anyone I have ever known. I am so honored to have her as my Mommy and my Best Friend. My mom stuck by my side during Ed, and never ever judged me by my illness. She is my Angel. n1465350033_30051884_5693.jpgn1465350033_30051800_195.jpg

I believe, without a doubt in my mind or heart, that I was meant to be My Parent's Child. I am so connected to them, so hopelessly adoring of them both. Ed almost broke my family apart, and my parent's struggled so much within their marriage, because of Ed. I am so thankful for their strength, their love, and their unending support. n1465350033_30065341_9950.jpgn1465350033_30065511_7521.jpg n1465350033_30065508_6239.jpg

(2) My Brother, James

Something else that really suffered with Ed was my relationship with my brother. It was horrible. Before Ed, my relationship with Jimmy was Beautiful. His way of coping was to ostracize and humiliate me. To reject me, in front of others, to make me feel ashamed. I couldn't be around him without being brought to hysterics and it was so hard. Jimmy cried in front of me, telling me he was so scared to lose me. I had never seen him cry before, and it was a wake up call for me. It made me realize that Ed brings out the absolute Worst in EVERY0NE, not just it's active sufferers. We are working towards rebuilding this relationship, and I pray that it will be like it was, before Ed. That someday we can have that Beautiful Bond, once again. All with time...


(3) My Beautiful Grandmother, Grammy

My Maternal Grandmother is someone who has been through S0 much grief, so much heartache, and so much emotional burden that it AMAZES me how positive, hopeful, and loving she still is. She lost my Grandfather to Liver Cancer when he was 60. My Grandfather, Poppy, was an absolute Angel, one whom I have never met in person, but still feel as if I know him. It's very difficult to explain. Anyways, he was the first and only man that my Grammy has ever loved. He saw her at a dance at their country club when she was 16 and walked up to his parents and said, "Do you see that girl? I'm going to marry her, someday." TRUE ST0RY. My Grammy has lost so many of her loved ones and bestest friends to Cancer, and instead of being victimized by her losses, she formed a Support Group for Cancer patients, and their families. She shared with me her passion for Opera, taking me to the MET to see he greatest in the world ever since I can remember. She is an exquisite artist, as well. I just adore her. The most precious thing ever.n1465350033_30102698_5848.jpg

n9308378_53521576_7213.jpg n514844619_95995_2662.jpg

4) My Grandfather, Pop

It's so upsetting that I don't actually have a picture of my Pop[sicle] on my Laptop, but I will have you know he is so very special to me. He was raised in a VERY tight shift, and was never shown much love from his father. Going to fight in Vietnam also heightened his tendency to shut out the world, and left him with post traumatic stress. The most difficult thing for him to do? Say the words: I Love You. But her gave me a card for my 18th Birthday that read those words and those words only. I love him so much for that.

5) My Animals

Buddha and Mylo (My Standard Pure Bred Poodle and My Tabby Cat) are my babies. I found Mylo when he was about 4-5 weeks old... Actually HE found US and from the get-go was the sweetest cat I'd ever known. He is so precious and has such a loving personality, he's seriously like a puppy. He is always wanting to snuggle and love <3 . Buddha is the baby in the family. He has been such a light in my life, and for me, reminds me of my life beyond Ed. This is because we got Buddha about three weeks after my first attempt at treatment/recovery ended. I was S0 happy to have a Puppy again and adore him so... And how do the two of them get along, you might ask? See for yourself...n1465350033_30116923_3747.jpg

(6) My Friends

They have been there through it all with me. Ed, familial problems, losses, Ed, ED. My friends and I have been through so much and have lost some of our bestest through various tragedies, our most recent loss, of course, being My Bestie, Jilli. My friends stayed in my life during the depths of Ed, when all I did was push them away. They are STILL here... I feel so proud to call them mine.


n9378688_32327074_3148.jpgn9376881_32975116_8357.jpg  n1465350033_30006314_7815.jpg n1465350033_30006336_6634.jpg n1465350033_30006322_923.jpg n1465350033_30006853_1647.jpg n1465350079_30094635_9527.jpg n9308378_40581598_2513.jpg n1465350033_30077963_7742.jpgn1465350033_30039850_9089.jpg232323232fp6-=ot>233-=828=;-7=XROQDF>232393699;43;ot1lsi.jpegn9308378_53521593_46.jpgn1465350033_30110031_637.jpgMy friends bring me back to ME, Pre-Ed, and for that, I could NEVER be more thankful.

(7) My Yoga

Despite what some may think, I have only been into Yoga for a little less than a year. Some of my bloggies do know this, but for those of you who don't I used to have BIG TIME exercise problemos. I never considered it to be Exercise Bulimia, but my doctors did, and I guess that's where my perception was/is skewed. I did not binge before I exercised, though. I was severely restricting, WHILE in a zone of Insanity and Obsession. I cannot count the amount of times I missed classes, because I was working out. Would miss an entire DAY of classes because I would be sitting the whole time. It was horrible. For the sake of my readers, I will not reveal WHAT I did, but I will say that it led me to having three fractures in my right foot, as well as bone deformations, and severe blood flow irregularities. When I was casted (for almost four months), all before starting treatment round dos, I was suddenly forced to do N0THING. I'll admit that I was SCARED SHITLESS. Not about my foot and what I did to it, but about gaining weight. My already raging anxiety became even worse, and, thanks to the recommendation of my Mommabear, I turned to Yoga. I will never forget my first practice: I didn't even own a Yogamat, so I rolled out a towel, and checked out Yogadownload (thanks to Jenna ). I ended up partaking in the 20-minute Solar Flow and found myself calmed by the instructor's voice, instantaneously. ANNNDDD I found it to be REALLY challenging! I had NEVER done weights during my Ed, so carrying my body weight through a flow was totally a wake-up call. Most importantly, however, I found that my anxiety had quieted down, tremendously, even after a mere 20 minutes.

IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE:n1465350033_30051870_8780.jpg

Ever since then, I have been hooked. Yoga has been a constant in my life, one at one point, I almost abused, but was able to snap back and remind myself of why I come to my mat each and everyday: BECAUSE I AM W0RTH PEACE AND SERENITY. We all are. Especially within ourselves. And to this day, during my practice, during the time on my mat, regardless of the length of time--- It is the only SINGLE solitary time when I feel beautiful. Where I feel powerful and strong and full of life. It is a time that I am thankful to be alive AS ME, rather than wishing I could be someone else.n1465350033_30050725_7671.jpg

And lastly, I can close my eyes, and imagine my life as this:n1465350033_30051849_4632.jpg

And honestly, who wouldn't want THAT?

Thank you so much for tagging me, Synth... This was really wonderful, especially during a time when I must realize that there still ARE things to Love, things to Cherish, things to Persue. That Life Does Go On.

And now to tag and pass the award onto Seven Bloggettes:

(1) Chandra

(2) Gina

(3) Erin and Andrea

(4) Miss Gliding Calm

(5) Heather

(6) Jenn

(7) Erica

I love you all! I just chose the first names that popped into my mind...

Have a loverly night and a wonderful holiday tomorrow...

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavanthu, "May All Beings, Everywhere, Be Blessed with Happiness."




Anonymous said...

You are SO beautiful! thank you so much for sharing! it had to be hard- writing that all out....... but it's so wonderful to hear what a wonderful support group you have. I think all of us bloggies can are such a joy to have in our lives!!

Love you Missy, and hope you have a wonderful week!

Thanks for tagging me too :)

Anonymous said...

Julz, it means so much to me that you included me in this post and gave me an award! You are such a sweetheart and I can go to bed now feeling 1,000,000x better than I've felt all day. Thank you, girl. Oh, and of course you deserve this award, too! Never ever say that you are inadequate and undeserving - I think many would agree that your posts are always filled with such a spirit and a passion. It truly makes you one of a kind and special in every way!

I loved reading about the Seven People/Things that you love! And that you included pictures - that is so amazing. It looks like you have some pretty damn incredible people in your life, lady. They are blessed to have such the amazing Julz, too! And the story about yoga and exercise really hit me. Exercise and me have a long and sordid past, too. I'm glad that you've found something that has brought you back to life!!

Peace, Serenity, Love. Have a great night, Julzie <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

Hi beauty..I am sitting here in tears after reading all of your last posts. I had missed them, since we are FB VIP's..but you are in my reader now so I will miss you no mas. I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain and empathize and share your tears one hundred percent. You have brought so many smiles to my face, I can't even imagine being your REAL LIFE friend in PERSON :D I love you mucho and I know that Jill's spirit will radiate and shine through you every day. I hope your bro is doing well too! xo have a great week!

Andrea of Care to Eat said...

This post was such a gift to read. You are truly a beautiful person :)

Anonymous said...

Awwh Julz. I loved reading about your friends and family and what they mean to you. You're so special. I love hearing more about the woman behind the energetic comments. You are such a zesty and wonderful bay bay. Thanks for tagging us. :) I love you so much.
P.S. There is NO QUESTION that you deserve this award.

VeggieGirl said...

Such a touching post, love - so much goodness in your life!!

Love ya!! xx

Anonymous said...

Amazing pictures - you and your loved ones are beautiful!!!! (and holy cow - your grams looks YOUNG!)

I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better, I still have you and Jilli and her family in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Your pictures are so beautiful! You are gorgeous and so is your fam! Thanks for sharing!!

Anonymous said...

Please do not ever apologize. We all love you and are here for you! You have every right to take this time to express your sadness, anger, WHATEVER YOU ARE FEELING! Hang in there, dear Julzie! <33

aussirish said...

you, julz, are SUCH a beautiful person inside and out. so appreciative, thoughtful, selfless and just so big hearted and kind. this post was beyond amazing, ur a star girlie :).
and bloggings a good way to vent our feelings and jus put our emotions out there so never apologize for posting about something thats not super positive or happy, cause in the end were intersted in how you are, not how you think you shud be.
your an amazing person and i hope you have a fantastic monday
love you

Gina said...

i feel so honored that my name is included in such a beautiful post. you are surrounded with such a caring (and gorgeous) family, amazing friends, and they will help you make it through this very tough time.
i just now caught up on your previous posts -i had NO idea you had updated!!- and i am so sorry for your loss. i'm thinking about you, always!
we are so blessed to have YOU in our lives! you always find a way to brighten the days of many (including mine, which is more amazing than you know during this awful deployment) and you know i adore you like crazy.
total side note, but your crinkle cutter is in orlando-- i'm picking it up this weekend and will get it on the way to you early next week :D
hope you have a fabulous day

Anonymous said...

this was such an amazing post! it was so nice to hear more about you and what you love. it seems like you have such a great support system and people in your life that love you more than the world! hope you have a wonderful week :)

Diana said...

Wow, Julz - I am a relatively new reader of yours and I am totally astounded by your ability to love so unconditionally and GENEROUSLY - your writing totally overflows with it! It should be very telling to you that I found my way to your blog by the praise that other bloggers have given you. It's very inspiring! I will look forward to any post of yours, whenever it is you feel like posting!

amy. said...

Honey doll. You are absolutely allowed to feel ANY WAY that comes naturally. You've just been through something huge, traumatic, depressing, and deeply saddening. Never apologize for them--or others being turned off by them. Youre true friends, on the blog world and in the real world, would never judge you for these.

I love these 7 things. Beautiful. I have so much love for you! You are amazing.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back! I love this post so much. Aside from looking positively RADIANT, you emanate so much love and positivity! I know you've been through a lot, and you are so, so strong. I hope you know that! Thanks for sharing that with us.

Diana said...

::blug:: (Blog + hug = blug)

tee hee :)

Anonymous said...

Julz, my dear, this is one beautiful post! You have such a stunning family and to read about your relationships was touching :)

Have a fabulous Monday, buttercup!!

*Erica* said...

What a beautiful post, Julz. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your openness, to share your wonderful 7 things that you love. They are truly beautiful. I can see where you get your beautiful spirit...your friends and family.

Thanks for tagging me, doll. <3

Anonymous said...

i love you and i love this post so so much. you have such a beautiful relationship with your family and i feel the same way about mine--my family and friends (you included!) are everything to me!

and of course i share yoga love with you too.
xoxo forever loverrr : )

Heather McD (Heather Eats Almond Butter) said...

I loved this post, and I bet it was so healing for you to write this - look at how much love you have in your life. Here's to friends, family, healing, and yoga!

BECAUSE I AM W0RTH PEACE AND SERENITY....You could not have said it any better. I am writing this on a post-it right now, so that I can read it everyday.

Thanks for the tag - can't wait to write a post of my own. I take so many things in my life for granted. This will be good for me!

Aimee said...

You have such a beautiful family. I hope that peace is entering your life after hard times!

Anonymous said...

oooh girl i wishhhh we lived by each other! where are you? im in MD. you seem like such a sweet, loving person and im so glad i joined this blogging community so i could get to know people like you!! and i'll definitely friend you on fb, my name is ashley spencer just so ya know when you get the request :) yayyy!

Anonymous said...

Loved reading this post, I've been reading your blog for a little while now and it's so nice to learn more about you.
You definitely deserved this award!

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

you are beautiful and i love you...sorry i havent checked your blog for a while i realised you had started posting again...thank you for your post on my blog. you are so strong and inspiring and my thoughts are with you through this tough time...your last few posts struck such a chord in my are so inspiring and you should be so proud of you xxxxxxxxxxxx

Nutritious is Delicious said...

What a great post!!

Anonymous said...

you absolutely radiate love! i really loved getting to read about all the amazing people (and adorable animals) in your life. every one of them sounds like a really wonderful force in your life, and i'm so glad that you are surrounded by such positive, loving people!
i took a break from the internet this weekend, so i didn't get to read or comment on your blog, but just know that i am always here if you want or need to talk.
lastly, isn't yoga such an amazing, calming force? it's almost unbelievable how much power and strength it can bring even after just a few minutes.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog through another, and I'm absolutely blown away. You have such a wonderful spirit and amazing story... I'm thrilled that I have such a fantastic blog to start reading!

Anonymous said...

baby you got the CUTEST rentals ever o my goooshh! Sorry i just caught up on all your posts i wasn't aware you were posting again. but i am SOOO happy you are :) I can totally relate like i said in our message to everything youre going through. the little signs, and messages sent from the heavens are the greatest gifts of all. When you see her in your dreams, embrace it and write and it down to remember them forever, do not be sad when they happen because its such a joy! I love seeing my friend Mark in my dreams<3

xoxo love you hunny

HangryPants said...

Please do not worry about bringing the mood down. I just sent you an email, so check that, ok?

Anyway, this post was beautiful. You are so radiant and full of life. Don't let anything take that away!

Vegan On Stage said...


Sometimes.. when things get tough.. you realize who your REAL friends are. Despite the fact that we have never "met" each other, I still consider you a Im glad that all of our positive comments have helped you this week!

And DUH i totally tagged you for a reason! You are a wonderfully vibrant girl and deserved the award!!! see.. it helped you reflect on what is important to you... and what you love... im glad it was able to put a smile on your face :)

Anonymous said...

I had no idea you were blogging again, and now I am so glad that I can know and love and support you like you have me!!!

Your family sounds tremendous. I have no doubt you and your brother will share the relationship you want to have.

I've got to go update my blogroll so I don't miss a single blessed thing you have to say, my love!!

Balance, Joy and Delicias! said...

really lovely lovely post!!!!! I enjoyed so much reading it. All your family look soooooooo cool as you do!
I didn't know about why you came to yoga and it's really inspiring! I just began to practice regularly about a year ago too and really enjoy it. I'm considering in becoming a yoga instructor as well. As you said, the biggest or most wonderful thing about yoga is that it calms you and at the same time, make you more concious about your body, yourself.

Thinspired said...

Beautiful photos, Julz. You are such a beauty! And I see where you get it--your whole family is beautiful, too!

ttfn300 said...

lovely family and friends!! so much to be thankful for :)

Anonymous said...

I didn't know you were back to posting! Sorry, I have just started understanding Google reader. This post is beautiful, you are beautiful, and amazing!!
You made me tear up. I'm so sorry for the rough time you're having, but you are so incredible and make us all smile soo much!

Anonymous said...

You are a FANTABULOUS blogger! Don't let any crap get you down!

alessa said...

Your list was so touching. It sounds like you have such a great and supportive family. I just wanted to say, I love your dog! My family has poodles too. :)

ConsiderEatz! said...

Julz, I am so elated to see you back here :) I can't believe I missed it! You are SUCH a beautiful soul, and such a light to my life. This post had me nearing tears, what a special tribute. You keep on keepin on!

"it does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop"

Love love always love

Anonymous said...

Julz, I wanted to (re)reply because you totally misunderstood my comment. I have been keeping you and your friend's family in my thoughts this weekend and I am so sorry that you are dealing with that, one of my best friends died 2 years ago this july and I'm still feeling the shockwaves of it.

What I meant was that if you are actually losing readership because your blog has been less *happy* lately then THAT is crap and you shouldn't worry about it.

Keep your head up.

Katy said...

Wow, that an amazing and inspiring post. You are incredible!

Anonymous said...

Julz...I've just caught myself up on your life, and am aching for your loss. You've had to endure pain I cannot even imagine and have handled it with nothing but grace. We are all so lucky for having such a beautiful, inspirational, passionate and positive person in our lives...thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. I will be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

This is a wonderful post. You are so gorgeous, inside and out! I love your positive outlook on life, even in the midst of tragedy. Your friend was lucky to have had you in her life and it says a lot about the great person she must have been to have a friend like you be so close. You are in my thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Wow this was nice Julz! You're so sweet! I loved the list. And Mylo is SOOOO Miss Fat Dottie!

Anonymous said...

You are great... so strong & on the right path. That's the worst, seeing my DAD break down, let alone anyone else!
Thanks for sharing. I'm FINALLY adding you to my bloggity-roll! Take care!

Anonymous said...

This was a really great post Julz! Seems like you do have so much to be thankful for! Your family seems really great!! Your pix are gorgeous!

The Running Yogini said...

What a beautiful post. I really loved what you wrote about yoga!! I've been catching up on your blog and just read the last few posts. My heart hurts for you. I'm sending lots of positive energy your way. *hugs*

elise said...

what a wonderful post! you are a ray of sunshine EVEN when you think you are being a downer... keep up the great blogging lovely!

Anonymous said...

you look STUNNING!!!!

Jen said...

You are so amazing, your soul and love for life! and might I say amazingly beautiful??!!!
IM SO HAPPY you are BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :)

Anonymous said...

I know I am late on this, but I just read your post today. You totally deserve the award!

It was really nice to read about all the great things/people in your life. You are truly blessed with such a great support group.

I realized for some odd reason I didn't have you on my blog roll so I added you today.

xoxo- you are loved very much by me and the whole blogging community!

healthy ashley said...

Julz, you totally deserve that award!

Thanks for sharing this beautiful post. I loved all the pictures and sweet words!